I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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