I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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