my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
