It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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