I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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