I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
