Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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