Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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