I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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