Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
sarcasm needs its own font
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
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