tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
