Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
