Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize