So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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