benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
