i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
