The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize
