Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
