sorry about calling you the devil all night.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
