everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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