Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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