The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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