Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
