I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
