Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
