worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
