They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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