I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
