How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Randomize
