do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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