Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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