I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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