i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
