i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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