Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
