I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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