She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
