I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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