I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
