one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
