How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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