GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
