You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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