I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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