Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
