I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Randomize
