Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
