Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
