Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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