I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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