I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm having to shit out rocks
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
