I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
