You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
