she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
