She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
