dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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