I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
