the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
